I’ve already begun planning my next dream vacation, and it’s all because of just one little-ole oatmeal raisin cookie. Let me explain.

To begin with, there was nothing little about that cookie. It was a big cookie, a Big Fat oatmeal raisin cookie. As big as the moon! I didn’t even know I like oatmeal raisin. I do now.

Hi, my name is Joe Bloe, and I work the line over at American Industrial Chemical Hazard & Nuclear Waste Disposal. Sounds glamorous, It’s not.

Truth is, with what they pay me at AICHNWD, I’m lucky to have any time off at all, much less a vacation. But for one week every year I’m required to take time off. Three years ago I went to Big Willie’s RV Park and Summer Fun Land. Two years ago I went to Cat Island. Got a good deal at the Motel 6 there.

But last year, last year was something special. No more RV parks or Motel 6. Last year I stayed at this all-inclusive resort. First class. How did I do it? I came across it quite by accident.

I mean, this place was incredible. The bed was so comfortable and the service was amazing. They brought me anything I wanted. Right away. All-inclusive. All I had to do was push a button and they brought me whatever I wanted: cokes, cakes, candies … anything at all.

So how much did it wind up costing me, this paradise amongst paradises? Would you believe $100? That’s right, for just $100 I got an entire week’s stay at a four-star facility, all-inclusive, no taxes or fees. Just $100, straight up. No lie.

There wasn’t even a deposit required. They just mail you the bill and you can even make payments, all without even a credit check. Amazing.

And the girls there… The hostesses and the waitresses and the whole room-service staff: first rate. The place is so decked out, in fact, that you don’t even have leave your room. Not if you don’t want to. If you do, they do have a day spa, and a workout room.

I didn’t bother much with that, though. I was on vacation. I can work out all I want back home. On the line. So I let them pamper me. Anything you want, they bring it right to you. Especially, Sister.

That’s right, they call her Sister, and she mixes the strongest, smoothest cocktails at the whole resort. She won my heart right away. I imagine she’s broken many hearts in her day. See you again next year, Sister.

My next vacation was coming up and I decided that Yes, I would return to my newest, best favorite resort. There was just one catch, call it sort of an application fee. Nothing I couldn’t handle, though. It goes like this.

Okay, so you know there’s no all-inclusive, four-star resort you can go to for just $100. Right? You can’t even go to dinner for $100. But I found a loophole, and as long as you’re willing to do the work, you can too. It goes like this:

The name of the resort is Our Lady of the Unapologetic Sinner. It’s a hospital; an actual hospital. I found out about their vacation package quite by accident.

I was on the line at AICHNWD one day when all of a sudden the rope pulley snapped and sent the buoy thingy crashing into the flange, and me as well. My leg was fucked.

The impact broke my hip, practically snapped it in two. It hurt like a sunuvabitch.

I’ve never been in pain like that before. Not for real, and an ambulance came and everything. I’d never been in an ambulance before.

In fact, the only time I’ve even been in a hospital was back when I was a kid, for a hernia. That was nothing. This was the real deal, flashing lights and all.

So they sliced open my leg like a Virginia ham, yanked that old broken hip out and put in a brand new titanium one. Guaranteed to last, that was the promise. Also guaranteed to go off at all metal detectors from now on.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan. I mean, I was still alive. Then, later on that night, Sister came into my room. She was in charge of the pain medication—the drugs—and she was there to take all my worries away. Sister. Sister Morphine. The woman of my dreams.

And when she was done she handed me this cookie, this oatmeal raisin cookie that was as big as the moon, and soft as a moon pie. It was the most delicious thing I ever ate in my whole life. I’ll never forget that cookie.

So that was not quite a year ago. Maybe six months. More like three. But I just couldn’t wait to get on with my next dream vacation. To see Sister again. My cookie.

The doctor told me the new leg was good for life, so one day at work I decided enough was enough and I reached on over and I pulled the lever, and there went leg number two.

There were flashing lights all over again, and when I got to the hospital, after all the usual rigmarole at check-in, there she was waiting for me, Sister. Ah yes, it was going to be a dream vacation for sure. All for just $100.

Work smart, not hard; that’s what I always say.

Next year, I may have to work on the arms. Or even lose one of the legs. I heard they have an extended-stay package for amputees. Might be $150. We’ll see how it goes.