main course: earth

The Professor called from his padded cell later that night. 3AM, no less. My head was still spinning from that damn vise. I’m not sure how he got hold of a phone, but I’m not surprised either. The Professor is clever that way.

I asked him where he was. He said Hollydale: Hollydale Psychiatric Hospital. Hollydale? Where had I heard that name before?

Anyway, the big news was that the Professor says he’s discovered how and when the bacterial invasion force from Planet Germanicus made its way to Earth. That’s why, he said, they’re onto him now.

Who’s onto him, I asked?

“Friends of Germanicus?” he said.

Friends of Germanicus? What was that, some new PAC?

“Germanican allies here on Earth,” he said.

Of course.

“Germanicans have infiltrated the entire healthcare industry,” said the Professor. “Through bacteria like MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus)—immune to all known forms of antibiotics—bacterial spies from Germanicus have completely taken over their host human bodies. “

Like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Awesome movie.

“It’s hard to say exactly how many of the people working here at Hollydale have been infected,” said the Professor, “but I can’t be too careful.

“In fact,” he continued, “they were onto me from the very start. They even sent 100 trillion microbial spies to my home to find out exactly how much I knew. They may have me locked up now, but they’ll never get me to tell them what I know.”

For someone who sounded like he was sworn to secrecy, surprisingly, the Professor then proceeded to spill the beans. At least, to me.

The Professor claims the whole thing started back in the 1950s, 1952, to be exact, and that Germanicus and these germs in particular are not from our galaxy or Universe at all. At least, not in the way you’d think.

He went on to explain that there really once was a major planet called Germanicus, that it had actually been located inside a galaxy that was inside a universe that was under the fingernail of an alien who came crashing to Earth back in the year 1952. That particular alien came from Planet Twinky, a terrestrial body located in the Galactic Bulge of our very own Milky Way.

Creatures from Planet Twinky were known simply as Twinks. Unfortunately for these Twinks, out on an intragalactic hunting trip, they had come to Earth armed with nothing more than a set of forks & knives.

I used to watch a lot of science fiction movies back when I was in college. All kinds. I love sci-fi movies, especially the old-timey ones from the 1950s like War of the Worlds, Invaders from Mars, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I love all that stuff from the early days of science fiction, before it started taking itself so seriously.

These particular Twinks, according to the Professor, were on an interstellar expedition one day when suddenly they came across what looked like a big blue marble. They were badly in need of some water, and boy did they find it. When they ran a scan of the planet, through a highly sophisticated Twink procedure known as a Doodlebugging, they discovered that the Earth was nearly seventy percent water: all three hundred million trillion gallons of it. They were so ecstatic they would have wet themselves, that is if they hadn’t been so dehydrated already.

Seventy percent water? Do you know what that means? That means living, breathing organisms. That means sustenance, and lots of it. Moist, meaty creatures in abundance and all you can drink to wash them down.

Never before had these Twinks come across a planet with so much water. Truth is, it was rare they ever came across water at all. There were only a few planets in the entire galaxy that even had water. In fact, the last planet they’d come across with any water at all was thirty light years behind them. There was no life on it worth mentioning and the water there was so hot it would have been boiling, if it hadn’t already been frozen solid. Now, looking down at this big blue wet kiss called Earth, these Twinks could hardly contain themselves.

They did, however, in all their excitement, adhere to protocol, running the standard orbital scans for any traces of exhaust fumes or space debris. There was none whatsoever. Do you know what that meant? That meant it was time to dig in.

Their spaceships came down from the big blue sky like a meteor shower, making big splashes in the waters off the west coast of the United States in the Earth year 1952. From their peeping devices high up in the sky, they saw herds of humanoids so pink and so plump, the Twinks started to drool. But what the Twink hunting party didn’t know was that they were in for a very rude “How do you do.”

The Twinks came onshore at a place called Huntington Beach, armed with nothing more than common cutlery; and promptly, without even the slightest hesitation, they were cut to ribbons by the good people there. Huntington Beach is a small township located on the surfing side of a place known as Orange County, California. That’s right: the OC.

What these Twinks did not know, and what their high-tech sensors could not have picked up, was that in the year 1952, Orange County had a higher percentage of Republicans than the Earth does water.

But why? Why would such advanced and highly intelligent creatures like these Twinks travel thousands of light years to invade an unknown planet armed with nothing more than everyday kitchen utensils? Well, according to everything they knew, everything history had taught them and all the wisdom of the known Universe, there was no way a species that had not yet even achieved space travel could be anything but easy prey. There was no way a race like that on Earth, which had not even once poked its head above its own atmosphere, could have developed weapons enough to be any sort of a threat to anyone. Boy, were those Twinks wrong.

Unfortunately for the Twink hunting party out on intragalactic safari, it had stumbled upon the only species in the Universe that had placed wanton destruction over interstellar enlightenment.

I didn’t have the heart to tell the Professor that the story he just told me was the same one I told him about a year ago. It was an idea I came up with back in high school, when I thought I was going to be Isaac Asimov. I called it Main Course, Earth: An Intragalactic Guide to Big-Game Hunting & Dining Out. It was a great story. Unfortunately, I never did actually write it. Seems it was still alive and well in the Professor’s head, however.

Then, the Professor said he had to go. Bonanza was coming on, and the Professor never missed an episode of Bonanza. He also said he would be getting out of the hospital soon, and that he had invented a time machine. A time machine? Why not? The Professor could do just about anything when he put his mind to it.