the big moment

 

I could feel the big moment coming. I could feel it just as sure as Granny on The Beverly Hillbillies could feel it when it was about to rain.

I’m not sure exactly how attractive I was with my head all wrapped up like a second-rate sultan, but still it didn’t seem to bother Fanny. It didn’t seem to bother her that I looked like The Mummy Returns, or that I was still drinking my Hormel chili through a straw. She just didn’t care. Still, I knew the big moment was coming.

The sad truth is, that first kiss has to happen sooner or later. It’s the foundation upon which all romantic relationships are built. You know what I’m talking about. “Where were you when you had your first kiss?” It’s right up there with the marriage proposal story.

Besides, if Fedor Jeftichew, the dog-face boy, could get a kiss, so could I.

How do you know when the big moment is finally upon you? It’s actually very easy to spot. You might be talking, watching a movie, listening to music, doing just about anything, and then there it is, this moment of silence combined with a look. I believe the term is: awkward pause.

For Fanny and I, we were sitting on the couch watching regular TV, soaking it up, when suddenly she touched my arm. That’s all it takes sometimes, just a touch. It was as if at that moment, all time suddenly stood still. That’s what love does, you know? It makes time stand still.

All of a sudden the whole world just ceased to exist. It’s the same reason when Timofej and Tatiana are tearing each other’s throats out, they see nothing else at all, why even when the police show up they keep going at it. That’s love. You know what I’m talking about; you’ve seen the Jerry Springer show.

So this was it, the big moment when I was supposed to lean in and plant one right on her lips. The big moment—that first kiss. The only problem is, if you’re sitting there thinking about it, it makes it even that much more impossible to pull off. In the big moment, all you’ve got is a split second, and no time for mulling it over.

Too late. The moment passed. That’s how quickly it happens.

If I was going to save face, I’d have to come up with something, and fast. It was going to have to be something good. You can’t pass on a first kiss with “Please pass the salt.”

So, I asked her if she wasn’t here just because she felt guilty.

“Guilty?” she said.

Because she felt responsible for what happened to me.

“How did you know?” she said.

I didn’t. I just said the first thing that came to mind.

Maybe,” she said, “At first.”

Great. Just great.

“But not anymore. Now, I’m here because I want to be.”

Really?

“Honest injun.”

Honest injun? Who even says that anymore? Fanny, that’s who. And I believed her. Anyone who still says Honest Injun must be sincere.

While that was great news, only problem was it put me right back where I started: the kiss.

She closed her eyes. I leaned in for the kill.