why falling in love requires the swapping of spit
I’m sure it isn’t news to you, but I’d never heard of it before. It’s called “Swapping Spit,” and it’s what people do when they fall in love. If you plan on falling in love anytime soon, I’m afraid you’re going to have to do it too.
The human body has more than ten thousand different species of germs, but it’s the mouth that’s the worst of all. I know I was in the middle of my big vacation, and that all the usual fears and phobias weren’t supposed to apply, but we’re talking about a kiss. A KISS!
Any Philemaphobe worth his salt knows that bacteria of all kinds live inside the human mouth, all swimming in the saliva and sliding down the tongue like some kind of grotesque water park. You know the term potty mouth, right? That’s no exaggeration. All over the teeth and gums, it’s the mouth that for whatever reason human beings have decided is the point of connection. If you ask me, it’s like two sewer lines converging. But hey, I don’t make the rules.
So how did all this kissing get started, anyway? Whose grand idea was it to begin trading toilet seats under the guise of affection? As far as anthropologists are concerned, there are basically two schools of thought.
The first is instinctual. Some scientists believe that kissing, like procreation, is simply built into the human experience. Others subscribe to the more practical theory of Kiss Feeding, the process whereby mothers pass chewed food from theirs to their baby’s mouths. Gross.
But where did all this disgusting behavior really begin?
Vedic texts from Ancient India date kissing as far back as the 2nd century. Some believe Alexander the Great actually learned how to kiss boys from his time in the Punjab.
Kissing, however, far precedes the time of the Karma Sutra. In Homer’s Iliad, which dates back as far as the 9th century BC, King Priam kisses Achilles’ hand while pleading for the return of Hektor’s dead body.
“Fear, O Achilles, the wrath of heaven; think on your own father and have compassion upon me, who am the more pitiable, for I have steeled myself as no man yet has ever steeled himself before me, and have raised to my lips the hand of him who slew my son.” — Hom. Il. 24.389
But whether kissing began as instinctual or ceremonial, the question now is: who the hell had the grand idea of making it a prerequisite for love? Kissing, and the whole process of falling in love for that matter, is one long, disgusting ritual filled with all kinds of nasty little microorganisms, all just chomping at the bit to take a bite out of you.
Let’s take, for example, the ritual of going to the movies as part of the whole dating process. Seems harmless enough. Not hardly.
While on the surface, holding hands, eating popcorn, and necking with your sweetheart seems like the perfect way to spend a Saturday night, you have no idea what’s really going on under the microscope. Not only does the average human hand contain nearly five thousand different species of bacteria, a majority of people actually have fecal matter on their fingertips as well. But when it comes to transferring germs, holding hands is child’s play compared to munching on popcorn. All that smacking and sharing and licking of fingertips, it’s a regular horror show. And then there’s necking. Kissing.
You know why they call it necking, right? It’s to take your mind off the fact that in reality you’re passing back and forth billions of sickening pathogens. Believe me, it has nothing to do with the neck. No high-school boy is interested in some girl’s neck. Perhaps if he were a vampire, but as far as normal human beings go, it’s the lips and tongue they’re after. Just ask the French.
But none of this answers the question: Why? Why does falling in love have to involve spit and kisses and the passing of billions of foul, nauseating, disgusting germs? According to the Professor, it all goes back to Planet Germanicus and the notion that the real dominant species on Earth is not humans at all, but microorganisms.
Makes sense. All these bacteria racing back and forth like they’re on some great microbial, super highway. It only stands to reason that microbes, not men, would be the true rulers of Earth. So what does this have to do with kissing? It’s their way of getting together, like some kind of massive, sub-atomic, rave party.
The truth is that microorganisms were here long before humans ever showed up, and they’ll be here long after we’re gone. In fact, what scientists have discovered is that while animals may remain confined to their particular part of the world, like penguins in the South Pole and Polar bears in the North, some Super Germs, as they are known, can be found on every part of the planet. Similar microbes can live as far as twenty thousand kilometers apart on the surface of the Earth, and even all throughout the Earth’s crust and mantle as well. Why is that? Because microbes own the planet, that’s why. They have free reign and they know it. They’re in every aspect of life and every place on the Earth. If that doesn’t tell you something about who’s really in charge, then you’re just not paying attention.
Microbes aside, I was having the time of my life just sitting here in my own apartment. In fact, I was enjoying my big vacation so much I never wanted it to end. The only problem was, I was fully aware: even in my own home, now, I was just a tourist here.
This wonderful world of stupefied splendor, I was but a transient. Little did I know, the rug was about to get pulled right out from under me.
